Come Back Home
by lain-trigger01
Summary: ZechsxNoin. Zechs has taken up the habit of disappearing without notice. It's Christmas time. They drift apart. How do you deal with loss? [Sequel to Tired of Being Blonde, but works as a one-shot too!]


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me. Come Back Home is a Carly Simon song. I am in no way affiliated with either Gundam Wing or Carly Simon.

* * *

COME BACK HOME

Noin's POV

_"Summer time, kids in the street_

_We were up on the roof laughing at the heat_

_That was the last I ever saw of you."_

I lifted one hand, pale, dirty and thin, tracing figures in the sky. "It's a ladle!" I insisted hotly.

"It's a kite!" said an angry high-pitched voice somewhere in the vicinity of my elbow.

I rolled over, the roof creaking in protest, and crawled over to Millie before laying back down and pointing to the star-studded sky. "There! See? I told you! It's a ladle!" I replied, taking his hand and tracing a particular group of stars.

He snatched back his hand before grasping mine and drawing an altogether different figure from the same set of stars. "It's a kite!"

I shook my head, long grimy locks of dark, wild hair sweeping the rooftop. "Millie, you have got the most FUCKING twisted brain!!"

For a time, he didn't reply. And I was again reminded of our differences. He was a very polite, well-educated boy of nine, who knew various languages—except street language. He's heard me curse hundreds of times, yet he remained impassive whenever I did. But he wouldn't tell me why, or anything about his past for that matter.

Every kid on the street has his or her own story, except maybe, me. I have no other memories other than those of my life here.

Now, Millie here, I glanced down at him, watching the night sky, is one tough nut to crack.

I've known him for months, and still…

Well, I guess it's part of who he is. Let's just leave it at that.

"What do you dream of, Lu?" he asked, his blue eyes watching me.

I returned the stare. "I don't know!" I replied with an impish grin.

He scowled, my hotheaded friend. "Lu, I'm serious here!"

"So am I." I replied, still grinning.

"Lu…", a warning growl.

"But Millie! It's true! I'm happy here! I don't want anything more!"

"You're still too young." He swung his gaze forward, sitting up and embracing his knees.

I sat up too, anuggling up to him and tugging on his blonde hair. "So tell me about yours!"

He looked down at me—big, dark eyes, wide goofy smile—and smiled.

"You wouldn't understand, Lu. You're still far too—ouch!" he yelped in pain when I pinched him. I hated it whenever they said I was far too young, or naïve—whatever that means—or a girl, or a baby, or…the list was endless. I hung around with boys, I guess I thought of myself as a boy.

I glared at him until he stopped chuckling and started talking.

"Well…I'll have revenge first, and then I'll find my sister. And the three of us will live in a big, big house."

I frowned, every part of my young, miniscule brain working. Sister? Revenge?

That was when we had heard the siren sounds that rang through out the city. Millie jumped to his feet and pulled me up as well. "We have to run. Now."

I didn't understand but I ran. Millie was faster than me, but I did my best to catch up. We scrambled off the roof, down the stairs of the old abandoned building, past the 'graveyard of cars' down the street. It was so noisy. Dogs with vicious, glistening teeth barking, the sirens, lots and lots of shouting, screams, cars, running feet, doors banging. My heart thudded painfully. Where were my brothers? I ran blindly, right into a pair of white legs—uh, I mean trousers. I looked up, high up, into the smiling face of a dashing young man. He was very, very beautiful. He picked me up; I felt so small beside him, the top of my head barely reached his waist.

"Hullo there. What's your name?" he asked gently.

I bit my lip for a second, before giving him the name my brothers gave me. "Lucrezia Noin."

He smiled. "You're very brave aren't you? Now, you'll be coming w—"

"Get your filthy hands off her!"

My eyes widened. It's Millie! ...with a gun?

I tried to get down, but the man carrying me just laughed and held on tight. "Try and shoot me, boy." I glared at him, why, he probably was only a few years older than Millie!

Millie pulled the trigger, much to my shock.

Click!

The pretty man shifted his hold on me and roughly pulled the gun out of Millie's shaking hands. He did something with the gun and shot at a nearby window. He then leveled the gun barrel at my poor, young head!

"Lu…" Millie stiffened visibly.

I looked down the barrel of the gun, then at the man, then back to Millie. They weren't talking, and I felt the tears begin to come. I didn't understand what was happening and it was getting to me, the excitement, the tension.

The man who carried me turned around and walked away. I quickly looked over his shoulder to find Millie walking behind us, his face down.

"Millie?" I called.

He looked up at me. Tears were rolling down his cheeks.

* * *

More images flash through my mind's eye even though I'm already awake. The man—Treize—and Millie leaving me to talk by themselves, then Millie coming out of a room and taking my hand; Millie writing down Zechs Merquise as his name, much to my confusion; Millie telling me to call him Zechs; the academy at Lake Victoria, training, training, the Preventers…

I stood up from the bed, trying to clear my head from the fog that still pervaded it. I walked the few steps to the window, resting my forehead against the cool glass, as snow fell upon the backdrop of the night.

_"Now, it's December, cold and dark_

_No more rainbows over Central Park"_

Another day has passed, and still Zechs has not come back. He often did this, disappearing for a few days, before returning with nary an explanation. And damn it all, but I hate it! I can still remember when he wasn't like this; back in the days after we've 1st entered Victoria Lake Academy, back when I still called him Millie. We were inseparable, we were the world to each other—or at least I thought he was; I still do--. Everything had been fine until that fall day when he started calling me Noin. It was then that he began to draw in, then that he'd drifted away. Oh, we were still close, nothing could break the bond we share it seems, not training, not wars, not personal differences. But the gap was there. Something had changed. Gradually, yes, but it had started then.

I padded down the stairs to fix myself a cup of hot chocolate, best for cold lonely weather and melancholy souls like mine.

I sometimes wonder at how things would have turned out if Millie hadn't returned for me then. Maybe he wouldn't be so distant to everyone, like now. Maybe he would have forgotten his past and lived happily ever after. Maybe he wouldn't need to sell his soul to the devil. Maybe he could have died without ever knowing the cruelties of war. Maybe he wouldn't be so torn right now. Maybe he'd have peace as well as happiness.

And what would have become of me, I wonder? Zechs had always brought the color and joy in my life. He's my only bearing. I think I would have died, but by bit, had he not been there with me.

But aren't we like that right now? He seems so distant, and I'm so alone… And was it worth my joy to condemn him to his torment?

_"In this house no window has a view_

_There's no love here without you"_

Disturbed by my own thoughts? Strange but true. Looking past the kitchen windows, I rubbed away at the fog that clouded it up before placing my hands back around my warm, mug of chocolate.

Who said my windows don't have a view?

They do. They offer a magnificent view of beautiful, sparkling snow. Beautiful…but cold and come spring won't even be there. So much like Zechs… God, I love him.

I frowned, fro the first time noticing a weird lump lying on the dumpster in the alley across from my kitchen. Squinting, I made out two figures, huddled under a blanket.

Thirty seconds later, I was across the street, shaking them awake. For what's a cup of chocolate when you're all alone?

At first, there was wariness, but after much convincing and a lot of smiles, which I've had a shortage of lately, we were all gathered around the living room fire, three mugs of thick chocolate on the coffee table, one of which was lukewarm.

They were a pair of street urchins, a girl and a boy. The girl was around six years old, pudgy with brown-blonde hair and brown eyes, while the boy was a pale, thin, white-blond with gray eyes.

I offered them a home for the holidays on impulse.

"Why?" The boy, Tom, asked me.

I took a moment to ponder the reasons why. "I'm alone this Christmas, I guess I'm looking for someone to share it with." I replied.

"Not good enough." Tom answered back. He glanced at the little girl—Dara—protectiveness and concern tingeing his expression.

I took another look at them. Dara, her hands stretched towards the fire, and Tom, who stood between me and Dara, stiff and unyielding, alert and on his guard. My mind flashed way, way back to a pale thin boy named Millie and his carefree companion Noin.

"I'm an orphan too. I know what it feels to be looking in at all that love and happiness, only you're never a part of it. I know how it feels to live a pointless, hopeless life, barely surviving everyday. I know how it feels to long for love, but shy away from it too, 'cause you're so very afraid that you'd just get hurt or lose it in the end. And don't you think this house is too big for just one person? It gets lonely on the holidays." My eyes misted over but I managed to keep a half-smile and a strong but shaking voice. I told this young boy the words I wanted to tell Zechs, Millie.

Oh hell! The holiday bug sure has bit me.

Tom stared at me, more like studied me, before reaching over to hand me my half-empty mug.

"Alright. We'll stay."

* * *

_"When you gonna come back home?_

_When you gonna see it's been too long?_

_When you gonna come back home to me?"_

The holidays were fun—for once—even though Zechs isn't here. Tom and Dara took up my time. I brought them shopping, to my girl friends, and to the park. We ate ice cream and played in the snow. We bought a dog and named it Pepper and baked tons of chocolate chip cookies. At night I helped Tom and Dara bathe before tucking them to bed in the guestroom. Just like now. And just like before I can't help but watch over them and mull over my life.

God, Zechs! Where are you? When are you going to come back? I miss you already, and I'm so worried. Of all the times that you could leave, did it really have to be during the one Christmas that I took a leave from work?! Zechs you are such a moron! There's that and there's the fact that I love you still. What was that quote again? Oh, right, "I can never deny the truth to myself that the person who continues to hurt me is still the person I'll always choose to love."

Dammit Zechs! What else must I do for you? What? And how long will I have to wait for you? I glance lovingly at Tom and Dara, now asleep. Zechs, I'm a woman… And I want to have kids, and a family, and a life. I don't want to chase the ghosts of the past 'til eternity!

I don't even know if I still exist to you. Not even a note or goodbye! I don't even know if each meeting might be our last. I can't wait forever Zechs… I can't put my life on hold anymore! There's only you… God, Zechs, I'm breaking up. Please.

I can't take this any more! Zechs!!!

I slide down onto my knees and sob.

Zechs, please. I can't take it anymore. Come back Zechs. Come back home to me…

"Zechs…" I rock back and forth on the cold wooden floor, sobbing at a pain so profound the beginning and end of my being seemed to mesh. I turn, inside out.

* * *

Zechs POV

_"Standin' at the door and I turn the key_

_I'm holding my breath half expecting to see_

_You, lying on the bed, smiling up at me."_

Yeah right. And why would Noin be waiting in bed for me? We aren't married or even in a sexually oriented relationship. We're…_friends_. Not that I don't want us to be something more. As I push open the front door of the house we share, this song starts playing in my head.

"Pushed the door. I'm home at last. And I'm soaking through and through. Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you. And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue, because you're with me."

It's true, I guess. I mean no matter what happens, Noin always helps me through it all, through thick and thin. Yep! She sure is my best friend.

I sigh as I close the door. It's too quiet. I guess she's out. I sigh again. I wish I told her when I'd come back, and then at least she'd be here…

The past few times that I've gone she hadn't commented on it, just kept on like everything was fine. On one hand, I'm really, really thankful for the space and understanding. I'll just tell you when you get back.

It's just that sometimes it gets too much for me. And I have to get away even for just a little while. I feel like I don't belong here anymore. But if I tell Noin that would she understand? When I can't understand it myself? I'm sorry Noin. It's just… that.

I can't help but smile whenever I think of the "Lu" of my childhood. Everything had been a nightmare then, sometimes, even now. But somehow, Lu kept me anchored and gave me a purpose. Her cheerfulness warded away my dark thoughts and somehow with her, everything was perfect and crystal clear. Lu is Lu and that's all there is to it.

The same way that I'm Zechs and Lu needs me and there's nothing else.

But what happens when your anchor starts to change. When everything's a kaleidoscope of colors and you get so lost and confused, your borders blurring, leaving you without distinction, a hollow machine? And the one person who has cared for you becomes cold and indifferent?

Worse, shat happens when your purpose in living no longer needs you?

What's left?

_"I'm goin crazy cause I just don't know_

_Which way your heart's gonna go"_

So we remain where we are, even though I know it's eating up both of us alive. It's stagnant this relationship of ours.

…

What kind of relationship do we have anyway? I stop unpacking my clothes and look around at my room situated beside hers. As if the walls would give me the answer. I continue unpacking in a daze.

What kind of relationship do we have anyway?

I don't know. I honestly don't.

Do I love her? Yes. I always have and I always will. Since that first moment that Brett introduced me to the dirty, chubby baby of the group of street children I got myself associated with.

Alright already! Maybe it was brotherly love at first, but it became more than that…

Lu… Noin…

How do you tell your bestfriend you love her?

What kind of relationship do we have anyway?

I don't know… I still care for her, I always would, but I think she's stopped caring for me. Oh sure, everything's still fine on the surface but… there's just something different. And I'm afraid to do anything about it. What if I lose her too?

How do you tell your best friend that you love her and that you'd die without her? Corny, yes, but it's the truth. Noin makes life worthwhile and I'm utterly dependent on her. No one has cared for me the way she has. So…

How do you tell your best friend you want to jump her whenever you see her in her sleeping clothes? How do you tell her you sleep best beside her? How do you tell her you want to have sex, make love, fuck her every single second in every way possible. I better stop; my thoughts are getting more and more perverse. Sweatdrop.

I walk the short distance to the next room and throw myself at the soft, Noin-scented downy comforter of my housemate. God…Noin.

And hear the crumpling of the paper my nose landed on.

Annoyed, I picked up the offending piece of stick-on note and read. Growling, I threw the balled-up paper away… I'll pick it up later; I have to angst right now.

Damn! I hate it when Noin is out on a mission! I don't understand why women are sent out on missions anyway! I'm not a sexist, but it just so happens that I care about Noin.

…

Okay! Okay! I know she's really smart and good at what we do but…it's just that I don't want Noin to be in danger… But I can't do anything about it now can I? Just like I couldn't save my parents, or protect my sister, or save Noin from Treize that day long ago. The same way I don't know what to do with us and our almost non-existent relationship. The same way that I'm such a worthless, twisted airhead blond and I can't help it…

I guess this means a lonely microwavable dinner…what a nice way to start the year.

I burrowed under the covers and embraced her favorite pillow, inhaling her scent. Soon my sleep-wear mind was dulled and images of my favorite Lieutenant appeared at the fore of my mind's eye. Steady deep, breaths… Peace and the sweet, clean smell of Noin's shampoo.

Lu… you're my love, my best friend, my partner, my anchor, my strength, my life…

I love you, Lu.

* * *

_"I only pray it leads you back to me._

_Darlin' let your heart lead you back to me."_

I sat up in bed, eyes wide, heart hammering madly.

Lousy, ringing phone! Destroyer of nice Lucy filled sleep!

I re-oriented myself with my surroundings before answering. Noin's room…right. I fell asleep a while ago. I looked over at the alarm on the bedside table: 10:30 PM. I guess I really was tired.

"Hello?" Same cool, polite, cultivated Zechs Merquise.

I leaned over. The register said it was the 'Preventer's Office, Lady Une' calling.

Probably another mission for Agent Fire and Agent Wind.

I listened to Lady Une's voice.

"Could you…repeat that, please?" I croaked. Croaked? Since when did I croak? Me? The indestructible ice prince Zechs Merquise?

I don't know how much time passed before my arm which held the phone flopped back and the wireless landed on the rug with a dull 'thud'.

More silence…

Silence.

And I began to laugh.

This is a joke right? Cruel joke, yes, but it's all a prank nonetheless.

After all, Noin can't really be dead right? Not Noin. Never Noin.

I turned over and started to sob. Baby Lu? Where are you? C'mon, Millie's gonna be good now. Lu? You didn't die in that terrorist base right? You come back home and prove them all wrong.

Please, God. Not Noin. Not my baby Lu. That's the same as telling me to go to hell. Don't take my Lucy yet please? There's still so much I have to say… And dammit, the holidays have just passed! What kind of Christmas gift is this?

I screamed long and hard, everything I couldn't express in that pain-filled sound.

I curled up on Noin's bed, sobs wracking my being.

Lucy…don't leave me please? If someone should die that should be me.

I hit the bed repeatedly, tears continue to fall down my face.

God! Don't maker her pay for my sins! That's unfair!

Lu, please…come back already. I'm going crazy with just the thought of you dying! It's so sad, so quiet, so unreal. This can't be true! I… I'll promise anything, Lu, just come back.

No Lu… no Millie.

It's getting cold Noin. I feel like the world is dead.

No Lu…

No Millie.

And that's that.

* * *

Lady Une's POV

Phone call to Zechs… Done.

I sigh. "That's the last of it." I murmur to the dark office. The last of my chores as head of the Preventers.

A half-smile.

I don't want to be here when Zech's anger explodes.

COWARD.

Why? Because I'm doing what I want and not what's best for the first time?

COWARD.

I shake my head. You're wrong. I'm not a coward for doing what I should have done years ago. No more orders, no more Treize, no more revenge, no more world. Let the people fumble for themselves, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of seeing a few sacrifice for the sake of the majority. I'm not the only person on this earth! Neither is Relena, or Zechs, or Heero…

Treize?

"Treize is one fucking faggot of a horseshit, juvenile bastard. All time cock-sucking asshole!!!"

There's silence. Both in the empty office and inside my head. I guess this is what they call letting go ne?

No more schizo. No more military officer. No more delegate Une. They're both dead. Nada. Zip.

This leave of absence idea is probably the best I've ever had. Only, what they don't know is that it's an _indefinite_ leave of absence. I smirk as I pick up my bag and proceed out of this room, this building, and this life.

On the street outside, I lift up my face and inhale the cool breeze that accompanies snow.

I know what I' doing but…

Lucy, I hope you know what you're doing.

* * *

Zech's POV

There's no body.

That's okay. I don't want to hold a funeral anyway. Noin's gonna come back. Soon.

Is it the radio playing or is it only in my head? Noin, on my 21st birthday, singing: "And I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life. Oh, just to be with you is having the best day of my life…" Damn it! Stop it!

I breathe in. I breathe out.

They offered to help me pack but I refused. Pack away your things? I didn't. Everything's still the way you left it. Everything's the same. Just waiting for you to come back home.

Et Fini

* * *

AN: Finally! I wrote this during the Christmas break of 2002, but never got around to typing it. Sigh. I really am so lazy. Oh, and I hate the fact that the settings I used in typing this weren't applied. Grrr... Really, I swear, sometimes it feels like I'm battling against the QuickEdit Machine around here.

Questions, Comments and suggestions ne! Just leave them in a review!

Hope you had fun!


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